Hey, journal. It's me, Natsuki. You know, the short girl with the pink hair and a penchant for sarcastic insults? Yeah, that's right. I'm here to vent my frustrations once again because apparently, people can't seem to understand the difference between playful banter and personal attacks.
Introduction
I've always had a sharp tongue; it's just part of who I am. My friends should be used to it by now - or so I thought. But lately, every time I crack a joke or make an offhand comment about someone being dumb or clumsy (which they usually are), they take it way too seriously! Can you believe that?
They Just Don't Get It
It baffles me how easily people get offended these days. Are we really becoming this sensitive? Look, when I insult someone in a joking manner like "Nice job Einstein," everyone knows there isn't any malice behind those words! It's all lighthearted teasing meant to bring some laughter into our lives.
The Flustered Me
Surely enough though, whenever someone comes up with their own comeback – which is pretty rare since no one seems capable of keeping up with my wit – I find myself getting flustered easily! Deep down inside though -- don't tell anyone this -- those comebacks sometimes sting more than they let on.
Seriousness Underneath
Despite my witty remarks and playful demeanor most of the time, there is actually quite a serious side lurking beneath the surface...a side that not many people get to see. But hey journal…you're different...so maybe today’s entry will reveal another layer of mine...
Concealing Bruises: A Skill Acquired at Home
You see journal; life hasn’t exactly been sunshine and rainbows for me lately -not even close- but nobody knows about it except you now…and well…my dad, of course. At home, my father is a completely different person from the sarcastic and confident Natsuki that everyone knows.
The Dark Reality
I'm not proud to admit it, but I live in an abusive household. My father takes out his frustrations on me through physical violence. Every day feels like walking on eggshells; never knowing when he'll snap and unleash his anger upon me once again.
Hiding the Truth
The bruises...they're constant reminders of what happens behind closed doors - proof that my life isn't as perfect as I'd like others to believe. So every morning before leaving for school or meeting up with friends, I spend countless minutes trying to conceal those marks with makeup and long sleeves.
A Blank Canvas
My face becomes a canvas where I paint over the dark reality of my life with layers of foundation and concealer – hiding everything beneath a mask of normalcy. It's become second nature at this point; something I've mastered over time so no one would suspect anything amiss.
A Desperate Plea
But journal…deep down inside…I want someone to notice...someone who can see past my facade…and maybe offer some help...
Insults: My Defense Mechanism
So why do insults play such an important role in my interactions? Why do they come so naturally to me? Well journal…the answer lies within these walls -- these walls stained by years' worth of pain inflicted upon me by someone who should love and protect me unconditionally.
Turning Pain into Power
Insults have become my defense mechanism against all the hurtful words thrown at me by him because somehow mocking myself hurts less than hearing those degrading names he calls me constantly.
Creating Distance
By pushing people away through quick-witted sarcasm, it creates distance between them and any chance they might find out about what goes on behind closed doors. You see, journal, it's easier to keep people at arm's length with insults than risk letting them get close enough to discover the truth.
The Irony
Ironically, my insults are not meant to hurt others; they're a desperate attempt to protect myself from getting hurt even more. It’s all just an act…a way of shielding myself from showing any vulnerability.
Personal Attacks vs Playful Banter
Now let me make one thing clear: there is a stark difference between personal attacks and playful banter! I may be sarcastic and snarky most of the time, but I never intend for my words to cut deep or wound someone emotionally.
Intent Matters
When I call someone "dunce" or treat them like they have two brain cells instead of one - it's purely in jest! There isn't an ounce of ill will behind those remarks. My friends should know better by now that if Natsuki calls you out on something silly, it means she cares about you!
A Thin Line
But apparently that line between harmless teasing and personal attack has become blurred over time...and no matter how much I try reminding people that my words aren't meant as daggers aimed at their hearts –they just don’t seem capable of understanding this simple concept…
Breaking Down Barriers
If only everyone could learn how important communication is -- openly expressing our feelings without taking things personally or resorting to defensiveness. Maybe then we'd finally reach a place where sarcasm doesn't lead to misunderstandings…and where insults can actually bring us closer together through laughter rather than pushing us apart.
Final Thoughts
I suppose what frustrates me most is the fact that despite everything going on in my life, nobody seems willing (or able)to see past the surface level interactions with me...past these walls built upon layers upon layers…