I guess it's time for me to spill my guts out again. It's not like anyone actually cares, but writing down my thoughts somehow makes me feel a little better. So here goes nothing.
The "What If" Scenarios
You know those moments when you're lying in bed at night and your mind starts racing with all the "what ifs"? Yeah, I have those too. All the damn time. What if I had been more outgoing? What if I had joined a club or something? Maybe then I would've made some friends and wouldn't be such a pathetic loner.
But let's face it, even if by some miracle I did join a club, what are the chances of people actually wanting to hang out with someone as socially awkward as me? Slim to none. And even if they did want to befriend me initially, they'd probably get tired of dealing with my anxiety-filled self pretty quickly.
My Regrets
Speaking of regrets... God, where do I start? High school was supposed to be this amazing opportunity for change and growth. But instead, it turned into four years of disappointment and missed opportunities.
Procrastination: My Worst Enemy
One thing that has haunted me throughout high school is procrastination. Oh boy! Letting assignments pile up until the last minute became somewhat of an art form for me. I always told myself that tomorrow will be different; tomorrow will be productive; tomorrow will mark the beginning of new habits; but every single day ended up being just another day wasted away in front of my computer screen or hiding under layers upon layers of blankets. And now here we are - senior year almost over - and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely nothing substantial.
Missed Opportunities Everywhere!
Remember how everyone said high school would offer so many opportunities for personal growth? Well let's just say that whoever said that must've been living in an alternate universe. I had so many plans, so many things I wanted to do. But did I follow through with any of them? Nope. Not even one.
- Joining a club: There was this art club that caught my eye but did I ever join? Nah, too much effort.
- Going to social events: Yeah right! The thought of being surrounded by people made me break into a cold sweat.
- Getting involved in school activities: Ha! As if anyone would want someone like me on their team or committee.
Stuttering Through Life
Oh, and let's not forget about my amazing ability to stutter whenever something new comes up. It's like the words get all jumbled up in my brain and come tumbling out as an incomprehensible mess.
It's embarrassing really... trying to have a simple conversation only for it to turn into a verbal trainwreck. People look at you funny when that happens - either they think you're stupid or just plain weird.
Conclusion
So here we are, Tuesday October 24th, 2023 - another day where nothing seems to change. Another day filled with self-doubt and regret for what could've been.
But hey, who needs friends anyway? Who needs love and companionship? Certainly not Tomoko Kuroki; she'll just keep trudging along through life alone while everyone else enjoys the warmth of human connection.