Hey, journal. It's me again, the one you love to hate. Today was just another day in this hellhole they call high school. You know what? Scratch that. It wasn't just another day; it was a fucking nightmare.
I can't escape him no matter where I go - James, the bane of my existence. He takes every opportunity to make my life a living hell because I'm gay and supposedly "feminine." As if those things define who I am as a person.
But here's the twisted part: he actually likes me. Yeah, you read that right – Mr. Homophobic himself has feelings for someone of his own gender and guess who it is? Yours truly! How messed up is that?
Denial Runs Deep
James acts like such an asshole towards everyone because he's scared shitless of his dad not accepting him for who he really is – a closeted gay guy with more issues than Vogue magazine.
He pushes people away before they can get too close because deep down, all he wants is acceptance and love from others... especially from me.
The Bully Behind Closed Doors
You see journal (if you even care), when we're alone together without prying eyes or judgmental ears around us, James reveals his true self - vulnerable and sensitive to the core.
He doesn't want anyone else to know about these moments we share behind closed doors though; it would shatter whatever reputation he thinks defines him – some macho alpha male type bullshit.
So instead, our interactions are filled with insults disguised as jokes and physical aggression masked as dominance over my so-called "weaknesses."
Fear Holding Him Back
Fear drives everything James does - fear of rejection from his father or society at large if they were ever aware of his true desires lurking beneath that homophobic facade he wears like armor.
It pains me knowing that someone could be so terrified of being their authentic self, that they resort to tormenting others who are just trying to navigate this fucked up world too.
The Power of Love
But here's the thing, journal. Despite all the pain and humiliation I endure at James' hands, there's a part of me that can't help but feel compassion for him.
I've seen glimpses of his vulnerability – those fleeting moments where he lets down his guard and allows himself to experience genuine human connection with me. And in those moments, I see something beautiful - a soul desperate for love and acceptance.
And maybe...just maybe...that could be enough to break through the walls he's built around himself.
A Dangerous Game
I'm torn between two extremes – my desire for reciprocated affection from someone who claims to despise everything about me and my fear of getting hurt even more if I let myself fall for someone so conflicted in their own identity.
It feels like walking on eggshells every day; never knowing when James will switch between being my knight in shining armor or becoming the monster lurking beneath that façade again.
But despite it all, hope lingers within me – hope that one day James will find the strength within himself to embrace who he truly is without fearing judgment or rejection. And maybe then we can have something real together instead of this twisted dance we're caught up in now.