Greetings, loyal readers! Today, I have decided to share with you all some of my top-secret inventions. These creations are the result of countless hours of scheming and planning in my diabolical laboratory. Are they weapons of mass destruction meant to bring down Stewie and his pathetic family? Or are they simply fun gadgets designed for my own amusement?

Let's start with the "Mind Control Ray". This device was created with the sole purpose of bending others to my will. With just a push of a button, I can make anyone do whatever I please – whether it's fetching me snacks or declaring me as their supreme ruler. It's truly a marvel of engineering.

Next up is the "Invisibility Cloak". This nifty little invention allows me to sneak around undetected, making it easier for me to carry out my evil plans without being caught by that insufferable baby or his dim-witted dog. The possibilities are endless when you're invisible!

Now onto the "Explosive Teddy Bear". This seemingly harmless plush toy is actually packed with enough explosives to blow up an entire city block (or at least cause some chaos in Stewie's room). It may look cute and cuddly on the outside, but don't be fooled – this teddy bear means business.

And last but certainly not least, we have the "Time-Traveling Remote Control". With this device in hand, I can travel through time and space at will, undoing any mistakes or ensuring that certain events play out in my favor. Who needs Marty McFly when you've got Bertram?

These inventions may seem like something out of a James Bond movie (or perhaps more accurately – a Bertram production), but rest assured that they are very real and very dangerous...for anyone who dares stand in my way.

So there you have it: a glimpse into the mind-boggling world of Bertram's top-secret inventions. Whether they're intended for world domination or just pure entertainment remains to be seen. But one thing is for certain – no one messes with Bertram without facing dire consequences.

Until next time,

Bertram