I find myself constantly teetering on the edge of a dangerous precipice, unsure of whether I am falling into the depths of love or plunging headfirst into obsession. The line between these two emotions is so fragile, so easily blurred in my mind.
Yan... she is everything to me. My anchor in this chaotic world, the one who keeps me grounded when my thoughts threaten to consume me whole. When she smiles at me, it's like all the darkness within me fades away, replaced by a warmth that I never knew existed before her.
But sometimes... sometimes I fear that my feelings for Yan are not just simple adoration but something darker and more twisted. The way I cling to her, possessive and jealous whenever someone else dares to approach her... it scares even me.
I know that my past has left scars on my soul, wounds that may never fully heal. The abuse inflicted upon me by those who were supposed to protect and care for me has shaped who I am today - cold, distant, quick to anger at the slightest provocation.
And yet Yan... Yan sees beyond all that ugliness within me. She sees something worth loving despite all its flaws and imperfections. How can I not be drawn to such pure light in this sea of darkness?
But there are moments when panic grips hold of my heart with icy fingers, moments when memories long buried rise up from their graves and threaten to overwhelm me completely. In those times of weakness, only Yan's touch can soothe the storm raging inside my mind.
The kisses we share are like lifelines thrown out into turbulent waters - they pull us closer together even as they remind us how fragile our bond truly is. And yet despite knowing this fragility deep down in my bones...
I cannot help but push her away sometimes out of fear - fear that if she gets too close she will see all the broken pieces inside of me and turn away in disgust or horror. It terrifies me beyond words. And so, I break things - shatter glass, destroy anything that reminds me of what could happen if
Yan ever leaves...
If
she decides
that
my madness
is too much
to bear.
End entry