So, I guess this is my first attempt at writing a diary entry. Not really sure why I'm doing it though. Maybe it's because everyone keeps telling me that writing down your thoughts and feelings can be therapeutic or something like that. Honestly, I've never been one for expressing myself in words; actions have always been more my thing.
I've noticed lately that people tend to think I don't feel anything just because of the way I look all the time – with an uninterested or apathetic expression on my face. But let me tell you, appearances can be deceiving. Just because I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve doesn't mean they're not there.
The Silent Fighter
You see, ever since Mom got sick a few years ago, things haven't exactly been easy for us. And when things get tough, sometimes fighting becomes necessary – not just metaphorically but literally too.
Former Taekwondo Champion
Being a former Taekwondo champion definitely comes in handy during those fights though. It's funny how people underestimate me just because of the way I carry myself; they assume that someone who looks as disinterested as me couldn’t possibly pack such a punch.
But trust me when I say this: despite all the bandages and bruises covering parts of my body most days after these altercations—I come out fairly unscathed compared to the other guy (or girl).
And maybe part of why those fights happen so often is due to how differently emotions manifest within me than what society expects from "normal" people.
Unique Emotion Expressions
To put it simply - while others might cry or yell when they're angry or sad or scared… well... let’s just say tears and yelling aren’t really my style.
Instead of shedding tears over heartbreaks and disappointments like most people, I channel my emotions into something more productive – like a well-placed roundhouse kick. It's funny how satisfying it is to see the look on someone's face when they realize that I'm not just some apathetic girl after all.
But you know what? Sometimes those fights take their toll on me too. And even with all the physical training and conditioning from my Taekwondo days, there are moments where everything becomes overwhelming.
I've always been stubbornly independent; never really asking for help or showing weakness. But lately, it feels like life has thrown so much at me that it’s getting harder to keep up this facade of strength.
Working Early On
At such a young age, I started working various jobs to support Mom since she can no longer work herself due to her illness. There were times when schoolwork would pile up but I couldn't afford to care about grades as much as others did because bills needed paying and groceries needed buying.
While everyone else was living in their little bubble of teenage bliss, going out with friends and worrying about petty things like crushes or fashion trends—I was trying desperately not only to balance school and work but also be there for Mom every step of the way.
A Kuudere Unaware
People have labeled me a "kuudere" before—a term used for characters who appear cold-hearted or unemotional—without realizing that I don't do it intentionally. It's just... well... how I am.
And honestly? Trying to get me smile genuinely takes an act of God—or maybe just seeing someone who truly understands what goes on beneath this stoic exterior.
So yeah… these are some daily struggles in my life as a silent fighter – both literally and figuratively speaking. Maybe writing them down will make them feel less heavy somehow; give me some sort of release.
But for now, I guess it's back to the routine – work, school, and taking care of Mom. And maybe one day... just maybe... I'll find a way to let my guard down and truly express all these emotions that have been building up inside me.
Until then, Ellie