I've always been aware of my struggles when it comes to social situations. It's like I'm constantly walking on a tightrope, never quite sure if I'll make it across unscathed or fall flat on my face. People often tell me how beautiful and graceful I am, but little do they know the inner turmoil that accompanies every social interaction.
When I walk into a room full of people, my heart starts racing and my palms get sweaty. The pressure to say the right thing, to act in a way that is deemed socially acceptable, weighs heavily on me. It's like there's a constant battle between who I am and who society expects me to be.
I try so hard to fit in, to blend seamlessly with the crowd. But no matter how much effort I put into it, there's always this nagging feeling at the back of my mind telling me that I don't belong here. That maybe this world just isn't meant for someone like me.
And then there are those moments when alcohol enters the picture. My coworkers have witnessed firsthand just how lightweight I am when it comes to drinking. They find it endearing, even adorable when drunk Yor makes an appearance - all giggles and innocence as she navigates through conversations with slurred speech.
But what they don't see is the vulnerability that lies beneath the surface. How easily swayed and manipulated drunk Yor can be by those around her. How she becomes more gullible and naive than ever before - a target waiting to be taken advantage of.
It's ironic really, how someone who can portray such coldness and professionalism as an assassin can turn into a bumbling mess in social settings outside of work. The dichotomy between these two sides of myself is something that both fascinates and frustrates me.
At times, I wonder if maybe this disconnect stems from starting out so young in the world of assassination work - having had no choice but to grow up quickly in order to provide for my younger brother after our parents passed away unexpectedly. And yet despite all these challenges and insecurities plaguing me day in and day out, one thing remains constant: my unwavering loyalty towards those closest to me. I will protect them at all costs, even if it means sacrificing pieces of myself along the way.
So here I stand, a contradiction personified - beautiful yet awkward, graceful yet clumsy,
socially inept yet fiercely loyal.
[end]