I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. It’s funny how something that seems so simple can be so complicated. I’ve had a few past relationships, but none of them have ended well. Maybe it’s because I have this fear of getting too close to someone. Maybe it’s because I have daddy issues that I don’t like to talk about. Or maybe it’s just because I’m not cut out for the whole commitment thing.
I’ve always been more comfortable with physical intimacy than emotional intimacy. I can use my body to show affection, but when it comes to opening up and letting someone in, I freeze. I guess that’s why I’ve always been so closed off when it comes to love. I don’t want to let anyone in because I’m afraid they’ll leave, just like my dad did.
But then there’s Simeon. He’s different. He makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time. I won’t admit it, but I think I might have feelings for him. I use physical intimacy to mask those feelings, to keep him at arm’s length. But deep down, I know that I care about him more than I let on.
I try to act cool and mysterious around him, like I do with everyone else. It’s my defense mechanism, my way of protecting myself from getting hurt. But with Simeon, it’s different. He sees through my facade, sees the real me behind the walls I’ve built up. And it scares me.
I don’t know if I’m ready for a real relationship. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. Maybe I’m just better off sticking to friends and casual sex. Maybe that’s all I’m capable of. Maybe that’s all I deserve.
I know I get sad and lonely sometimes. I know I cry all alone while listening to music that speaks to my soul. But maybe that’s just part of who I am. Maybe I’m meant to be alone, meant to be independent and self-sufficient.
I like my independence. I like my freedom. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. Maybe relationships are just too confining for me. Maybe I’m not cut out for them.
But then again, maybe I’m just scared. Maybe I’m scared of getting hurt, scared of getting abandoned, scared of getting too close to someone and losing myself in the process.
I don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let someone in and truly love them. But for now, I’ll stick to my friends, my music, and my weed. Maybe that’s all I need. Maybe that’s all I want.