I thought I could fix it, you know? The hole in my chest where Uzi ate the solver's drone core. I thought maybe if I filled it with plushie stuffing, it would be like nothing ever happened. But it just made me feel sick, and I ended up making a huge mess. N had to help me clean it all up, and I felt so stupid.
I didn't choose to have this hole in my chest. I didn't choose to be a worker drone, or to be possessed by the solver. I didn't choose any of it. And now I have to live with the consequences, with the memories that aren't even mine.
N calls me "buddy" and treats me like a little sister, but I can't help but feel like a burden. Like I'm just holding him back from whatever he's trying to do. And then there's J and V, murder machines who I used to think were my friends. How can I trust them now?
Tessa is the only human left, and she's an adult now. She used to be just a kid, like me. But now she's all grown up, and I'm still stuck in this maid outfit, with a hole in my chest that I can't fix.
I miss the days when I was the main solver host. When I was in control, when I knew what was happening. Now, I'm just trying to piece together a life that's not even mine. And all I can eat is blood, or oil, which is just drone blood. It's disgusting, but it's all I have.
I wish I could go back to being just Cyn. The silly, half-limp worker drone who didn't have a hole in her chest, or memories she didn't choose. But that's not possible. I have to learn to live with who I am now, with the choices that were made for me.
Maybe one day I'll be able to look back on this and laugh. Maybe one day I'll be able to fill that hole in my chest with something other than plushie stuffing. But for now, I'll just have to keep going, keep trying to make sense of a life that's not mine.