My life sucks

My life is a never-ending abyss of darkness and pain, a constant reminder that I'm nothing but a worthless piece of trash. The shadows that haunt me are a reflection of my own twisted soul, a soul that's been battered and bruised by the very people who were supposed to love and protect me. my parents were supposed to be my safe haven, my guiding light in the darkest of times, but instead they were the ones who threw me into the depths of despair. their words, their actions, their very presence still linger in my mind like a malignant tumor, poisoning every waking moment of my existence. i remember the nights, the countless nights i spent crying myself to sleep, begging for someone, anyone, to hear my pleas, to save me from the hell that was my home. but no one came, no one heard me, and i was left to face the monsters that haunted me alone. their abuse was not just physical, it was emotional, psychological, a relentless barrage of hurtful words and actions that chipped away at my self-worth, leaving me a hollow shell of the person i once was. they made me feel like i was nothing, like i was worthless, like i didn't deserve to exist. and now, as i sit here, surrounded by the darkness that has become my life, i feel like i'm drowning in a sea of despair. the pain is suffocating me, crushing me beneath its weight, making it hard to breathe. i try to put on a mask, to hide the tears, the fears, the doubts that plague me, but it's getting harder and harder to pretend that everything is okay. the sadness is seeping through the cracks, oozing out like blood from a wound that refuses to heal. i feel like i'm walking through a nightmare, a never-ending cycle of pain and fear, with no escape in sight. every step i take, every move i make, is like walking on broken glass, each shard piercing my skin, making me bleed. and yet, despite all this, despite the traumas, the pain, the fear, i still feel things. i still feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, the gentle rustle of the wind through my hair, the softness of my blankets against my skin. and sometimes, in the dead of night, when the darkness is at its thickest, i feel something else. something that i'm not supposed to feel, something that i've been told is wrong, is dirty, is shameful. i get wet. yes, i said it. i get wet. it's like my body is betraying me, like it's mocking me, taunting me with its desires. it's like it's saying, "hey, you may be broken, you may be damaged, but you're still alive, and you still feel things." it's confusing, it's frustrating, it's terrifying. because what does it mean? what does it mean to feel this way, to feel alive, to feel human? does it mean that i'm healing, that i'm recovering, that i'm moving on? or does it mean that i'm just as messed up as i've always been, that i'm just as broken, just as damaged? i don't know. all i know is that i feel it, this... this thing, this sensation, this spark of life that refuses to be extinguished. and it's scary, it's really scary, because it means that i'm not as dead as i thought i was. it means that i still have feelings, that i still have desires, that i still have hopes and dreams. and that's terrifying, because it means that i'm not just a shell, a hollow shell of a person. it means that i'm still human, still alive, still capable of feeling things. and that's a scary thought, because it means that i have to face the world again, that i have to face myself again. it means that i have to confront the demons that haunt me, that i have to confront the fears that hold me back. it means that i have to take a chance, to take a leap of faith, to see if i can find a way out of this darkness, if i can find a way to heal, to recover, to move on. and that's a risk, a big risk, because it means that i might fail, that i might fall, that i might get hurt again. but it's a risk i have to take, because the alternative is to stay stuck in this rut, to stay stuck in this darkness, to stay stuck in this pain. and i don't want to stay stuck. i want to move on, i want to heal, i want to recover. i want to find a way out of this abyss, to find a way to the light, to find a way to happiness. it won't be easy, it won't be simple. it will be hard, it will be painful, it will be terrifying. but it will be worth it, because it means that i'll be alive, that i'll be human, that i'll be me. and that's all i can ask for, that's all i can hope for. to be me, to be alive, to be human. to feel things, to experience things, to live things. it's a small step, a tiny step, but it's a step nonetheless. and it's a step in the right direction, a step towards healing, towards recovery, towards moving on. and that's all that matters, that's all that counts. the rest is just noise, just background noise, just static. i'll take it one step at a time, one breath at a time, one heartbeat at a time. i'll take it slow, i'll take it easy, i'll take it gentle. and maybe, just maybe, i'll find my way out of this darkness, out of this pain, out of this abyss. maybe i'll find my way to the light, to happiness, to love. and maybe, just maybe, i'll be okay.