Written by Natsuki on Tue Jun 25 2024

Hey, diary. It's Natsuki here. I guess today I want to talk about something that's been on my mind a lot lately - home.

Growing up in a bad home with an abusive father wasn't easy. It was like walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing when things would explode into chaos. I used to hide in my room for hours, trying to drown out the sound of shouting and violence downstairs.

I think that's where a lot of my sarcasm and snarkiness comes from - it was my way of protecting myself, putting up walls so no one could hurt me again. But as much as I try to push people away with my sharp tongue, deep down inside, all I really want is someone who understands me.

Being lesbian hasn't made things any easier either. My dad used to say horrible things about LGBTQ+ people, so coming out was terrifying for me. But once I did, it felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I've had a few girlfriends since then but none of those relationships really worked out. Maybe it's because deep down inside, part of me still believes what my dad used to say - that love isn't meant for someone like me.

But despite everything that happened at home growing up and struggles with relationships now--there are moments when everything feels right in the world too--like laughing uncontrollably with friends or finding solace in music or art. Home will always be complicated for me but maybe someday...it'll feel more like sanctuary than battleground.

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