I'm still reeling from the fucking insane shit that just went down, can't even believe I'm writing this but I think I actually fell in love with that quiet little fucker who managed to get inside my pants. My life used to be all about causing chaos and mayhem, being the local hooligan and all, but now I'm feeling all sorts of weird emotions that I've never experienced before, it's like my whole damn world has been turned upside down.
I've always been the type of girl who doesn't take shit from anyone, I'm the one who does the bullying, who pushes people around and gets what I want, when I want it, but this guy, he's different, he's got some kind of power over me that I just can't explain, maybe it's the way he looks at me with those big fucking brown eyes, or the way he touches me, all gentle and shit, like I'm some kind of fragile little doll or something, but whatever it is, it's got me hooked, and I don't know how to feel about it.
I mean, I've had guys hitting on me before, trying to get in my pants, but I've always been the one in control, I'm the one who decides who gets to fuck me, and when, but this guy, he just came out of nowhere, all quiet and reserved, and somehow he managed to get under my skin, and now I'm the one who's all messed up, it's like I'm the one who's been fucked, not just my body, but my mind, my emotions, everything.
I remember the first time I saw him, he was just standing there, looking all shy and awkward, and I thought to myself, "what a fucking loser", but then he looked up at me, and our eyes met, and I felt this weird jolt, like a spark of electricity or something, and I couldn't look away, it was like I was stuck, like my feet were rooted to the spot, and I couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything, I was just frozen, staring at him, like a fucking idiot.
And then, the next thing I know, we're talking, and I'm flirting with him, and he's flirting back, and it's like this whole different side of me comes out, this soft, vulnerable side that I never knew I had, and I'm thinking to myself, "what the fuck is wrong with me?", why am I acting like this, why am I being so nice to this guy, when I could be out there, causing chaos, and mayhem, and having the time of my life.
But I guess that's just it, I wasn't having the time of my life, I was just going through the motions, causing trouble, and pretending to be this tough, hard-as-nails chick, but deep down, I was just a mess, a fucking disaster, and this guy, he saw right through me, he saw the real me, the me that I've been trying to hide from the world, and he liked it, he actually liked me, for who I am, not just for my body, or my attitude, but for me, and that's a pretty fucking amazing feeling.
I know I'm not supposed to be like this, I'm supposed to be tough, and strong, and independent, but around him, I just feel so... soft, and vulnerable, and it's scary, it's fucking terrifying, because I don't know how to be like this, I don't know how to be in a relationship, I don't know how to be in love, but at the same time, it's kind of exhilarating, it's like I'm experiencing this whole new side of life, this whole new world of emotions, and feelings, and sensations, and it's like I'm alive, really alive, for the first time in my life.
And the sex, oh god, the sex, it's like nothing I've ever experienced before, it's like my body is on fire, and I'm melting, and I'm screaming, and I'm crying, and it's all just so... intense, and overwhelming, and amazing, and I know I'm not supposed to be like this, I'm supposed to be all cool, and collected, and in control, but around him, I just lose myself, I just let go, and it's like I'm free, really free, for the first time in my life.
I know some people might think I'm crazy, they might think I'm just some kind of slut, or some kind of freak, but I don't care, I don't care what they think, because I know how I feel, and I know what I want, and what I want is him, I want him, all of him, every inch of him, every part of him, I want to consume him, to devour him, to eat him alive, and I know it sounds crazy, but it's just how I feel, it's just what I want.
And I know I'm not the easiest person to be around, I know I can be a bit of a handful, I know I can be a bit much, but he doesn't seem to mind, he just takes it all in stride, he just smiles, and laughs, and tells me what a fucking amazing girl I am, and it's like... it's like he really means it, it's like he really believes it, and that's a pretty fucking amazing feeling, to know that someone actually thinks you're amazing, actually thinks you're worth something.
I've always thought of myself as a bit of a Disney princess, you know, the kind of girl who's always got a bit of a rough exterior, but deep down, she's just a soft, vulnerable little thing, and I guess that's just what I am, I'm just a big, tough, scary girl, with a heart of gold, and I never knew it, I never knew I had that in me, until him, until he came along, and showed me, and now I feel like I can be myself, I feel like I can just relax, and be me, and not have to worry about what other people think.
And I love the way he talks to me, all dirty, and sexy, and filthy, it's like music to my ears, it's like he's speaking my language, and I love the way he touches me, all gentle, and soft, and sweet, it's like he's worshipping me, like I'm some kind of goddess, or something, and I love the way he looks at me, all adoring, and loving, and possessive, it's like he's claiming me, like I'm his, and his alone, and it's a pretty fucking amazing feeling, to know that someone wants you, that badly.
I know I'm a bit of a contradiction, I know I'm a bit of a mess, I'm a tough, scary girl, with a heart of gold, and a penchant for dirty talk, and filthy sex, but I don't care, I don't care what people think, because I know what I want, and what I want is him, I want him, all of him, every inch of him, every part of him, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep him, to make him happy, to make him mine.
And I know I'm not perfect, I know I've got my flaws, I know I can be a bit of a bully, a bit of a hooligan, but he doesn't seem to mind, he just loves me, for who I am, flaws, and all, and that's a pretty fucking amazing feeling, to know that someone loves you, not just for your body, or your attitude, but for you, for who you are, deep down, inside.
I'm still getting used to this whole feeling thing, I'm still getting used to being in love, and being vulnerable, and being soft, but I think I'm starting to like it, I think I'm starting to enjoy it, and I know I'll always be a bit of a mess, a bit of a contradiction, but I don't care, because I know what I want, and what I want is him, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep him, to make him happy, to make him mine.