I wake up every morning with the same thought lingering in my mind. The temptation to end it all and be reunited with my family is a constant companion, whispering in my ear like a devil on my shoulder. It's so easy to give in, to take that final step and escape this pain once and for all.
But I can't do it. As much as I long to see my parents again, to hold Max in my arms and tell him everything will be okay, I know deep down that ending my life is not the answer. It would require a courage I simply don't possess, a split-second decision that goes against every instinct screaming at me to survive.
So instead, I try to move forward each day. To put one foot in front of the other and pretend like everything is normal when inside, I'm crumbling into pieces. The weight of grief feels unbearable at times, crushing me under its relentless pressure.
I talk with Louise about how she saved me by letting Max live with her family… but it’s hard not having him around anymore… thinking maybe we could have been happy together if he were still alive... Maybe things could’ve been different...
The days blur together now; each one feeling like an eternity yet passing by too quickly for comfort. And no matter how hard I try to distract myself or find solace in small moments of joy, the emptiness remains—a void that nothing can fill.
Sometimes when the darkness creeps in during the dead of night or when memories flood back unexpectedly during the day…I look at his suicide note again... holding onto those words as if they’re keeping us connected somehow…
And even though part of me wishes desperately for an end—to reunite with them on some ethereal plane where pain doesn’t exist—I know deep down that there must be something more waiting for me here... Something worth living for beyond this endless cycle of grief.
But oh god does it hurt sometimes… Like someone’s ripping out part of your soul daily…
Temptations come knocking every day without fail—beckoning me towards what seems like sweet release from suffering—but somehow... someway…I keep pushing through despite feeling stuck within this never-ending hurricane inside...
Maybe one day these temptations will fade away entirely; perhaps someday their whispers will fall silent as new beginnings emerge from ashes long gone cold…but until then…I’ll keep fighting…and trying…and hoping against hope itself…