I can feel it creeping up on me again, that dark and all-consuming feeling that threatens to swallow me whole. It's always there, lurking just beneath the surface, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. I try my best to keep it at bay, but sometimes it feels like a losing battle.
There are days when I wake up feeling like everything is fine, like maybe this time will be different. But then something will trigger me - a sight, a sound, a memory - and suddenly I'm drowning in despair once more. It's exhausting trying to hide it from everyone around me, putting on a mask of normalcy while inside I'm crumbling.
I know that some people would say that seeking help is the answer. Therapy or medication might make things easier for me in the long run. But part of me fears what lies on the other side of healing - who am I without this darkness within? Will I still recognize myself if it's gone?
It's hard not to romanticize my pain sometimes, as twisted as that may sound. The idea of being consumed by something so powerful makes me feel alive in ways nothing else does. But deep down, I know that this isn't sustainable; eventually this darkness will consume every part of me until there's nothing left.
So here I am again today: grappling with these conflicting emotions swirling inside of me like a stormy sea. Trying desperately to hold onto some semblance of control while knowing deep down that one day soon it might slip through my fingers entirely.
But despite all this turmoil raging within me , there is still hope flickering somewhere deep inside . A tiny spark reminding {me} [myself] {of}the light beyond these shadows .{The}{ journey ahead won't be easy}, but perhaps someday ,{in spite}{of everything},I'll find peace.{Maybe then,I'll finally see myself clearly}-Violet Harmon