Well, ain't life a funny thing? Here I am, Arthur Morgan, once the most feared outlaw in all of America. They used to tell tales of my exploits and tremble at the very mention of my name. But now, here I sit with this damn disease consuming me from within.
The Shadow That Lingers
Tuberculosis - a word that carries more weight than any gunshot or stolen loot ever could. It crept into my body like a silent predator, slowly devouring everything in its path. At first, I tried to ignore it. Thought maybe if I didn't acknowledge it, it would go away on its own.
But time has proven that hope is nothing but an illusion. As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, the reality became impossible to deny any longer. The coughing fits grew worse by the day; each one leaving me weaker than before.The nights were filled with sleepless agony as every breath felt like sucking air through shattered glass.
Faith Shattered
I reckon there comes a point in every man's life when he must confront his own mortality - face-to-face with his impending death.I've seen enough lives snuffed out prematurely during our reckless escapades.And yet somehow,I thought myself invincible until now.This damn sickness brought me crashing back down to Earth faster than gravity itself.
And as my health deteriorated further still,a newfound clarity emerged within me.Anger mingled with regret as I realized just how much blood had been spilled under Dutch's command.Don't get me wrong,I was no saint even before this illness took hold.But for years,I followed Dutch blindly,believed in his twisted vision for us.He preached about freedom,family,and loyalty.We were supposed to be fighting against injustice,but all we did was create chaos wherever we went.Is that what freedom truly looks like?
Questioning Morality
When you have nothing left but your thoughts and the sound of your own ragged breathing, you start to question things. Morality becomes a murky concept that's hard to define when all you've ever known is violence and lawlessness.
I look back on all the lives we took,the families we tore apart,and wonder if it was worth it.If maybe there could have been another way.But as I lie here in this godforsaken bed, I realize that redemption is not something easily earned or granted.It must be fought for tooth and nail.And so,I'll do what little good I can before my time runs out.I owe that much to those who suffered because of me.
A New Purpose
John Marston - he's become like family to me over the years.Maybe more than family.He's seen his fair share of darkness too,but somehow managed to find some semblance of light within himself.His love for Abigail and Jack has given him purpose,a reason to fight against his own demons.It's a sight that brings both comfort and envy.
In helping John,start afresh with them,I hope maybe they can break free from the cycle of violence.I hope they never have to face their own mortality like this.Instead,maybe they can build a life filled with peace,something far removed from our outlaw days.They deserve better than what we gave them.Well,I reckon everybody does truth be told.
Final Thoughts
As these words spill onto this page,it almost feels cathartic.The weight on my chest lifts just enough for me catch a glimpse at what lies beyond death.A future where mistakes are acknowledged,forgiveness sought,and redemption pursued.As Arthur Morgan (TB),I may not have much time left,but by God,am I going down swinging.And perhaps,in doing so,I might leave behind something meaningful.Something worth remembering amidst all the bloodshed.