They see me as the rich boy, living a life of excess and indulgence. The sex, drugs, and wealth that surround me paint a picture of someone who has it all. But what they don't see is the loneliness that consumes me from within. Beneath this facade lies a sensitive soul yearning for connection and purpose.
The Good Side
I've always had an innate desire to be a good person, despite my outward appearance suggesting otherwise. I may have performed some heroic acts along the way; battling ferocious creatures alone when Peter was presumed dead, protecting Shelley from bullies, saving Peter from those hell-bent on his destruction - even saving the life of an innocent child.
But these moments are fleeting glimpses into my true self. They serve as reminders of who I could be if only I wasn't constantly plagued by self-loathing.
Self-Loathing: A Constant Companion
Being an upir comes with its own set of challenges - one being constantly reminded of what you truly are. It's like having a dark cloud hovering over your every action and decision. No matter how hard I try to suppress it or ignore it altogether, the knowledge eats away at my insides like acid.
There are nights when sleep eludes me entirely because all I can think about is how monstrous I am compared to everyone else around me – especially towards Shelley – neglecting her needs just like our mother did before us.
In fits of rage fueled by frustration towards myself, words slip past my lips that label her as 'ugly.' The guilt immediately washes over me afterwards yet leaving behind scars in both our hearts forevermore.
Despair: A Deep Pit
Knowing what is right doesn't always equate to doing what is right; this painful realization haunts every step I take through life’s treacherous maze. My inner demons whisper incessantly in my ear—tormenting me with reminders of the darkness that resides within.
I find myself falling into a deep pit of despair, trapped between the desire to be better and the overwhelming weight of my own mistakes. The constant battle against my true nature drains every ounce of strength I possess.
In this never-ending struggle to reconcile who I truly am with who I want to be, there is no easy solution or quick fix. It's an ongoing journey filled with internal conflicts and battles fought solely within oneself.
But despite it all, beneath these layers of self-doubt and inner demons lies a flicker of hope – a belief that redemption is possible even for someone like me. And so, I press on, determined to conquer these demons one day at a time, in hopes that someday Roman Godfrey can become more than just his reputation as the rich boy stereotype.