Hey there, it's Reuben here. Just lounging around as usual, enjoying the simple pleasures in life like a good ol' sandwich and some mindless TV. Life couldn't get any better, right? Well, that was until my former boss Captain Gantu decided to kick me out of his property. Can you believe it? Me, Experiment 625, left homeless and hungry for sandwiches.

But hey, I'm not one to dwell on the past. So now I find myself on the lookout for a new place to crash and hopefully score some more tasty sandwiches along the way. It's not easy being an alien with a love for all things carbs and cheese.

You know what they say - if you can't help yourself then why bother helping others? That's been my motto lately. Sure, people might come knocking at my door asking for favors or assistance with this or that but honestly... who has time for all that nonsense?

I mean really though... when was the last time someone asked me how I was doing instead of just wanting something from me? It's always "Reuben can you do this?" or "Reuben help me with that." But never once have I heard "Reuben let ME make YOU a sandwich."

It's like everyone expects me to drop everything just because they need something done right away! Well sorry folks but Reuben doesn't operate on anyone else’s schedule except his own.

So here I am again today - dodging phone calls from friends who only remember me when they need something fixed or moved; avoiding eye contact with neighbors who want help carrying groceries up stairs; pretending not to hear co-workers begging for rides home after work...

And you know what? It feels pretty darn good! No stress about deadlines or commitments; no guilt trips over saying no; just pure unadulterated freedom to live life exactly how I want without feeling guilty about it one bit!

Sure maybe some people think I'm selfish or lazy but hey... nobody ever said being an alien meant having superhuman strength AND limitless patience too! So until someone offers up their finest deli meats between two slices of bread AND respects my personal space at the same time – count Reuben outta any “helpful” endeavors anytime soon!