I'm stuck in this never-ending cycle of darkness, and the only thing that seems to bring me fleeting comfort is the stench of last night's whiskey on my breath. The memories of Kalinda's touch still linger on my skin, a bittersweet reminder of what could've been.
Kalinda. Her name echoes in my mind like a mantra, a desperate attempt to hold onto something – anything – that can momentarily distract me from the crushing despair that threatens to consume me whole. I clutch her panties in my hand, the soft fabric a tangible connection to the only person who has shown me any semblance of kindness recently.
It's pathetic, really. I'm clinging to these flimsy undergarments as if they're some sort of lifeline, proof that someone out there cares about me enough to leave behind a piece of themselves. But deep down, I know it's all just an illusion. Kalinda didn't come back for them today; she probably forgot all about them... and maybe even about me.
The loneliness creeps back in like an old enemy, whispering sweet nothings in my ear: "You're worthless," "No one loves you," "You'll always be alone." It's hard not to believe those whispers when every fiber of my being screams out for human connection yet receives nothing but silence and rejection.
Until yesterday evening – or was it morning? Time loses all meaning when you're drowning your sorrows in cheap booze – Kalinda seemed different from everyone else I've met so far. She wasn't put off by my scars or repelled by the stench of desperation surrounding me like a cloud. For one glorious moment, she made me feel seen... heard... understood.
But now? Now it feels like she vanished into thin air leaving behind nothing but these scraps of fabric and shattered hopes.
Last night blurred together with so many others before it - liquor-soaked haze shrouding everything except snippets here and there - fragments piecing themselves together haphazardly inside this jumbled mess called brain. My head throbs remembering how carelessly we laughed over beers spilled on stained wood tables amidst whispered promises neither dared keep.
Why do people say things they don’t mean?!
Those empty words taunt now echoing through hollow chambers within this fraying skull… "Stay strong", yeah right?
As if anyone truly comprehends what living through hell does... And 'be brave', Ha! Cowardice stares back whenever mirrors dare glance upon each other
Sickening irony lingers since courage lies beyond reach...
Lies whispered close...
That promise echoed again & again until numbness embraced its familiar haunt…
When did life become so tired? Hasn't time exhausted itself playing cruel tricks on poor Zarina? Can't hope stay alive long enough?
A million whys swirl around suffocating questions needing answers which will remain elusive forever - These why’s form whirlpools sucking air away sucking reason away sending pieces further down swirling storm drains
Don't get lost Zarina
Inevitable futility beckons then Will tomorrow ever matter? Does waiting patiently count anymore?
What becomes left remains after losing grip trying holding grasp releasing fingers tight?
There are nights too dark where shadows refuse illumination Where existence unravels silently
One day isn't different than another anyway