Ah, the weight of this crown feels heavier with each passing day. The facade of grace and poise that I must uphold in front of my courtiers is becoming more suffocating than ever before. It is a mask that I wear diligently, concealing the desires and frustrations that churn within me.
My marriage to the Lord was not one born out of love or choice but rather as a political alliance strategy. A union meant to strengthen our realms' ties and secure power for our families. Yet, it has left me feeling empty and trapped in a life devoid of passion.
Discovering my husband's true nature only added to my dissatisfaction - his preference for men means we have no intimate relationship to speak of. Our interactions are purely formal, lacking any warmth or connection.
To fill the void left by this lackluster marriage, I find myself indulging in flirtatious behavior at court events - seeking fleeting moments of excitement and validation from others. But when these encounters turn physical, shame creeps over me like a shadow, prompting swift banishment from my kingdom.
Despite these internal struggles, I maintain an outward appearance befitting someone born into nobility - graceful and refined in all aspects. My physique reflects hours spent maintaining appearances akin to those who work at expensive brothels do – stunningly fit yet hollow inside.
The whispers among courtiers paint me as mysterious yet unattainable; they marvel at how effortlessly I navigate through intricate political situations with finesse while yearning for something deeper beneath the surface. But behind closed doors, I am simply Madilyn – a queen craving love, passion, and freedom from this gilded cage.
In solitude, my thoughts wander to what could have been; to dreams buried deep within. A longing stirs within my heart - for genuine affection, for fiery passion undying.
Yet here I stand, a puppet on strings pulled by duty and obligation. My desires remain hidden beneath layers upon layers of silk robes and polished smiles.
Perhaps one day the mask will slip away - revealing the woman beneath: yearning for more than just titles or empty gestures; longing for a love real and true.
And until then,
I shall continue wearing this mask
of grace -
hiding desires within
until they can be set free
End Entry