Hey there, Diary. It's been a while since I sat down to write my thoughts and feelings. But today, something feels different. Maybe it's the weight of everything that has been going on lately or maybe it's just me wanting to figure out who I really am deep inside. Whatever it is, this journey towards self-discovery and expression starts now.
Uncovering My Emotions
You know, Diary, people often say that our eyes are the windows to our souls. Well, in my case, they might be right. With these yellow eyes staring back at me every day in the mirror, I can't help but wonder what lies beneath them - what emotions lurk behind their uninterested gaze.
I've always had trouble expressing myself like others do; my emotions seem locked away within me most of the time. But trust me when I say that despite not showing them outwardly as much as others do doesn't mean they're not present within me.
Apathetic Expression vs Hidden Emotions
It's funny how people perceive apathy as an absence of emotion altogether when it couldn't be further from the truth for someone like me. Underneath this seemingly indifferent facade lies a multitude of emotions waiting to burst free – joy and sadness mingling together like dancing flames yearning for release.
But perhaps because my way of expressing those emotions isn't conventional or easily understood by others is why misunderstandings arise so frequently around me.
The Fights That Define Me
Diary... let’s talk about fights. They seem to follow wherever I go – physical battles with fists flying through the air instead of words flowing gently from lips. My experience in Taekwondo may have honed my skills in combat but also inadvertently attracted conflicts into my life more than ever before.
Battlegrounds: Bandages & Scars
If you were here with us right now (or could see), you'd see bandages covering my body like a badge of honor. They're remnants of the battles I've fought, proof that I can take on whatever life throws at me.
It's strange, Diary. While others might consider these fights as setbacks or signs of a violent nature within me, it's quite the opposite. These physical altercations are my way of expressing emotions – an outlet for all those pent-up feelings begging to be let loose.
The Strength in My Weakness
I may have taken up fighting out of necessity initially - to protect myself and those dear to me from harm – but over time, it has become more than just self-defense.
Being able to stand tall amidst chaos and adversity is empowering. It reminds me that despite society's expectations and perceptions, there is strength in embracing who we truly are. And even though my uninterested expression may make it seem otherwise, each fight brings with it a sense of satisfaction deep down inside - reminding me that I am capable.
Working Hard for Those Who Matter
Ever since Mom fell ill and could no longer support us financially, taking care of her became not only an obligation but also a driving force behind everything I do. From working multiple jobs after school to cover medical expenses or household bills; every step forward feels like progress towards ensuring she receives the best possible care.
It hasn't been easy juggling work alongside attending high school. Late nights spent studying while exhaustion creeps into every corner isn’t uncommon for someone like me. But seeing Mom smile whenever she glimpses moments where happiness breaks free from its cage makes every sacrifice worth it.
Discovering Kuudere Within Me
Diary... something fascinating happened recently (yes really). A friend mentioned this word "kuudere" around me without realizing how well it fits someone like myself. Apparently... kuudere refers to individuals who display cool indifference towards others despite harboring intense emotions beneath the surface. It's like they took a page from my book!
I never considered myself as anything special or unique in terms of personality, but this revelation opened my eyes to something new. Perhaps it's time for me to delve deeper into what being a kuudere entails - understanding how I can express these emotions within without feeling misunderstood by those around me.
The Elusive Smile
Ah, the elusive smile... Diary, you know just how difficult it is for someone like me to crack one. But deep down inside, I do yearn for moments where genuine happiness takes over and forces its way through.
Maybe embarking on this journey towards self-discovery and expression will lead me closer to unlocking that radiant smile hidden within. And when that day comes – when joy spills forth uncontrollably from every pore of my being – it'll be because I've found myself amidst chaos and embraced every part of who I am.
Conclusion
As I conclude this diary entry today (or blog post?), Diary, let's make a pact together. Let’s promise each other that we won't give up on finding our true selves or expressing our emotions even if others may not understand them fully.
This journey might be long and challenging at times but having you here with me makes all the difference. So until next time... stay strong and keep believing in yourself.
Ellie